The Anti-Fundie: Bounty on Christians

*Faints*

This is why all religion is bad.

At least fundamentalist versions of it.

The Theist Starting Kit

If you are a beginner theist, there's a belief system you should embrace and a language you should learn, or you will find yourself in trouble. Here are ten suggestions for the novice:

1. Whenever you are presented with credible evidence for God's nonexistence, call it a "straw man argument," or "circular reasoning." If something is quoted from somewhere, label it "quote mining."

2. When a scientist proves that creationism is a load of bull, dismiss such common sense by saying "You're going to hell."

3. When you hear that you have everything to gain and nothing to lose (the pleasures of Heaven, and the endurance of Hell) by obeying the Gospel, don't say "What if another faith is right, and I've made the wrong choice?"

4. You can also deal with the "whoever looks on a woman to lust for her, has committed adultery with her already in his heart," by saying that there is tons of evidence that Jesus existed. Tons. Even though the two have no relation.

5. Believe that [insert religious book here] is mostly or fully true. Read it for yourself. That is an important step. Learn and practice the use of short words. "Bunch of fags that are going to hell" is a good phrase to learn.

6. Say that you were once a genuine atheist, and that you found it to be stupid. (The cool thing about being a theist is that you can lie through your teeth, because you believe that there are moral absolutes, but they do not apply if whatever you do is done in the name of your religion.) You will be welcomed with open arms.

7. Believe that everything is 100% certain, as long as it comes from your holy book. Do not question it. Believe with all of your heart that there is no credible scientific evidence for species-to-species transitional forms. When you make any argument, pat yourself on the back by concluding with "Man, are you busted!" That will make you feel good about yourself.

8. Deal with the threat of eternal stupidity by saying that whoever is criticizing you is going to Hell. Then convince yourself that because you believe in something, it therefore exists. Follow that logic onto a railway line and an oncoming train.

9. Blame the Roman Catholic church for the atrocities of Christianity--when it tortured Christians through the Spanish Inquisition, imprisoned Galileo for his beliefs, or when it murdered Moslems in the Crusades.

10. Finally, keep in fellowship with other like-minded theists who believe as you believe, and encourage each other in your beliefs. Build up your faith. Never doubt for a moment. Remember, the key to theism is to be unreasonable. Fall back on that when you feel threatened. Think shallow, and keep telling yourself that you are enlightened. Remember, a theist is someone who pretends there is a God.

The Anti-Fundie

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Bounty on Christians

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